Frequently Asked Questions:
Here are some of the sticky interpersonal situations that our brides want to know how to handle. Some of these have been addressed in earlier chapters, but we feel they bear repeating.
Question: What if I'm unworthy to go to the temple?
Answer: Whatever you do, do not lie in your recommend interview. It is much worse to enter the temple unworthily than to not enter at all. Talk openly and candidly with your bishop about the problems that might keep you from your goal of a temple marriage. Ideally, this talk should take place at the first onset of any moral indiscretion... but if it is too late, try to see the bishop well before you set the date (as soon as you start contemplating marriage you should be preparing to enter the temple.) If you have prolonged this interview and find yourself unable to enter the temple on your chosen wedding day, you still have a few options. Can you set your wedding date back? Is this the type of issue that can be resolved in a relatively timely basis? Discuss with your bishop the length of the repentance process and work together toward making goals for becoming worthy of the beautiful blessings of the temple. Of course, another option is to be married civily, and to have your temple sealing after the repentance process is complete. One word of caution: be sure that a temple marriage is a high priority for BOTH of the individuals involved. If your partner is abusing drugs or alcohol, he may NEVER be willing to abandon the habit. and Even if the issue is one of physical intimacy, do not be too quick to assume that marriage will suddenly make you temple worthy. An unwillingness to live the commandments fully before marriage is often an indication that one or both members of the couple are not fully committed to the gospel. Whereas your fiancé may be willing to clean up his act in order to marry you, once you're actually married, his incentive to change might diminish. Moreover, marriage is a very sacred institution, ordained by God, and Satan will do everything within his power to destroy your chances at a temple marriage.
Ultimately, remember that, your temple marriage is between you, your spouse, and the Lord. DO NOT go to the temple unworthily because you are afraid of what others will think. Go to your bishop and prepare yourself to be righteous enough to enter into this holy house and to be sealed- worthily- for time and all eternity.
Question: what if my parents cannot get a temple recommend? (unworthy/non-members) ?
Answer: Not everyone is a member, or worthy of attending the temple. The bride and groom may be members, but what if the bride or groom’s parents
are not? To non-members it seems inconceivable to have a wedding without the mother of the bride or groom being able to attend. This is a very sticky
situation and can cause hard feelings for years to come.
If you and your future spouse fear alienating your family (-ies) with a temple sealing, consider the following:
· Have a ring ceremony at your reception where non-LDS family and friends can feel as though they are witnessing a portion of the event, while at the same
time learning about the covenants you made in the temple.
· Prayerfully approach your family members and explain why a temple sealing is so important to you. Be sure to emphasize that you can imagine how hard
it will be for your family to miss the big event (try to remember that this decision is very difficult for many family members to understand. They are feeling
hurt, left out, and deprived of sharing one of the biggest moments of your life).
· Suggest your family meet with the Bishop so he can explain the sacred nature of the temple and answer any questions they might have.
· Make a special effort to include non- temple attending family members in the other details of your wedding (from selecting your dress, colors, and other
elements of the planning stage to taking part at the reception with toasts, special jobs, and the like.)
· Let them know they are welcome to come to the temple and wait in a specially appointed waiting area in the temple and then join you when you come out
of the temple for photographs in front of the temple. (Speaking of photographs, there are No photographs allowed in the temple).
· During your sealing, focus on the ordinance, not on who is missing.
· As you exit the temple, take a moment with your close family to express your feelings about the ceremony. Tell them how beautiful it was and share any
appropriate thoughts about what transpired and what was said.
Question: if my mother has re-married, who do I dance with during father/daughter dance?
Answer: Nothing would be more awkward than having the DJ announce the father/daughter dance and having two, or more, fathers walk onto the dance floor. So, however you decide to handle it, be sure you inform the fathers how you want them to proceed.
Whom you choose to dance with depends on a number of circumstances. If you have been living with your step father for more than five years, and he and your mom are paying for your wedding, and you feel close to him, you could start the dance with him and have your birth father “cut-in” half way through the dance.
If, on the other hand, he is a relative newcomer to the family and you haven’t really established a father/daughter relationship with him, and people don’t look to him yet as your father, then you could dance the whole dance with your father.
The stickiest scenario is when the birth father hasn’t participated in the life of the bride and isn’t thought of by anyone as the father. In this situation it is appropriate for the bride to dance with her step father.
Think of the father/daughter dance as an “honor” and tribute to the father. Who
best deserves it? Whoever you choose, make sure you are sensitive to the other’s feelings and be sure to dance with him at some point in the evening.
One way to get around this situation is to not have the DJ announce a father/daughter dance. Just wait for a slow dance and go pull one of the dad’s out on the dance floor - Then, the next slow dance, pull another one out.
Even though this whole event is all about you, your dad(s) want a moment to share their feelings with you. Make time for them.
Question: what if the bride's and groom's parents hate each other?
Answer: This isn’t about them, it’s about you. Tell them that it is important to
you that they both be there - they don’t have to like each other, they just need to
treat each other civilly for this one day. (And don’t seat them next to each other!)
Question: what if two of my bridesmaids don't get along?
Answer: Again, this isn’t about them. Tell them to make nice and deal with it.
Tell them you love them both and want them both to be part of your celebration -
You don’t want to have to choose one over the other. Ask them if they would please put their personal feelings aside for this one event and try to get along.
Question: do I have to ask her to be a bridesmaid just because I was in her wedding party?
Answer: No. That is the simple answer. You can give her any excuse, but the
truth of the matter is, you don’t owe her any explanation. There are all kinds of
reasons for not asking someone to be a bridesmaid. If she asks, pick one.
Question: I have several sisters, but I only want to ask two to be bridesmaids. Is that okay?
Answer: The general rule for an informal wedding is to have four to six bridesmaids. That can usually take care of any excuses why you pick certain people over others to be in your bridal party. It is always a nice gesture to include your groom’s sister(s) as well, and of course, you want your best friends, so…
What’s a bride to do??? Sorry sis. Try to include the ones left out by giving them other assignments: tend the guest book, greet guests, be in charge of gifts, etc. Have them wear the bridal colors so they look like part of the bridal party – they just won’t get bouquets.
Question: My father is deceased, how can I still feel like he is a part of my big day?
Answer: Here are some Unique ways to honor deceased family members:
- You could have a long stem rose placed in your bouquet to remove at the end of the ring ceremony and give it to your mother in memory of your father.
- If one of your parents is no longer living, you could light a candle in honor of that person. Oh, but Mormons don’t do that – Catholics do that. So? It’s a beautiful tribute, so why not?
- Another option would be to carry a photo of the deceased in your bouquet, or do something that celebrates your loved one by reading their favorite poem, playing their favorite song at the reception, carrying their favorite flower, or even sewing a swatch of fabric from their clothing into your dress.
- Wear a locket with his/her photo in it.
- Put his photo on the dressing table where you will be putting on your makeup for
- Write a short note: “I love you dad, I wish you were here” – roll it up and put it in
a helium balloon. Release the balloon before you enter the temple or at your ring
ceremony after you exchange rings – or any other time you feel good about.
Question: My grandmother is too sickly to attend my wedding but I really want her there. Any suggestions?
Answer: Make her feel a part of your wedding by doing some of the following:
· You could consider setting up a web cam so you can talk to her during your reception. Tell her you love her and miss her and wish she could be there.
It that is not possible, tell her you’ll give her a copy of your wedding video.
· Ask her for a handkerchief or a piece of jewelry that you could carry or wear to keep her in your thoughts.
· Put a photo of her on your dressing table or at the table where you will be sitting at the reception.
· If you are going to show a personal video at your reception, include a few messages from people who can’t be there, and have your grandmother on that video.
· Send her a floral arrangement on your wedding day with the same flowers you are having at your wedding.
· If she lives close by, have someone bring her a slice of your wedding cake the next day.
· In any event, keep her informed of all your wedding plans. When you choose your gown, take a photo of you in the dress and send it or bring it to her. Tell her your color scheme, theme, food choices, etc.